I feel so many things. I’m a mixed bag of sentiments since this cancer thing with E began. Maybe like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. And E’s illness has just magnified, and brought to the surface, this alphabet soup of emotions. I’m all over the place.
Soaring with the angels one minute and groveling in the mud with the devil the next. Optimistic star gazer. Down in the dumps. Trashy and foul-mouthed. Elated and deflated. Giddy from good news. Depressed by delays and dark days. Happy as a clam before it’s tossed in the chowder. And overwhelmed by inconsolable grief. Frightened out of my skin. Fierce as a mother lion. A Warrior Girl. And a motherless child. Whimpering and whining. Feeling abandoned and sorry for myself. Mad as hell. Patient as a saint.
I am all these things. I feel it all. Every stinking last one. Every glorious sensation.
And I do not apologize.
These feelings are all part of this very human fragile, and yet magnificent, journey that I am on. I own it all. The messy and the sublime alike. From A to Z.
A = alone + abandoned + angry + afraid + appreciated + alive
B = bad + brave + bored + bold + bitter + bitchy + beautiful
C = courageous + crappy + caring + crazy + confused + cheerful
D = depressed + deflated + despondent + despairing + determined
E = elated + excused + evolved + enervated + exhausted + energized
F = forgotten + fatigued + failure + fucked + frazzled + funny + feisty
G = good + grateful + gritty + gone + giving + giddy + glum + gutsy
H = hungry + happy + harried + here + hopeless + helpful + heroic
I = impossible + indifferent + irate + indignant + invisible + incapable
J = justified + jittery + juggler + juvenile + jackass + jealous + joyful
K = kind + keeper + knowing + knotty + kooky + kickass
L = lonely + lost + loser + loved + large + leaving + last + loving
M = messy + monstrous + meek + moved + mad + magnificent
N = nothing + nasty + numb + nowhere + neglected + nice
O = open + outcast + off + old + offensive + overloaded + optimistic
P = painful + picky + pretty + pathetic + pessimistic + patient + plucky
Q = quiet + quitting + quarrelsome + queer + quirky
R = reasonable + raw + ready + revolted + rejected + redeemed
S = sad + silly + shitty + small + sorry + self-righteous + strong
T = terrible + tiny + tearful + tenuous + tight + tragic + tired + tough
U = unsettled + upset + unloved + unnoticed + used + ugly + up
V = vulnerable + vacant + vague + vain + victorious + valued
W = worried + weak + wanting + wonderful + weepy + warrior
X = x-rayed + xeroxxed + x-rated
Y = yearning + yucky + yappy + yeller + yellow + yummy
Z = zombie + zapped + zilch + zero + zip